Getting it out

I used to use this space to hurl up and out all the crap that was eating me alive from the inside out. I used to use it to purge an unshakeable thought, like a funky 80’s hook song that just won’t get out of your head. I used to use this place to share my fear and my frustration, for some reason thinking it made a difference to get it out rather than keep it in. I believed that once a thought or an idea was exposed to the light, taken from the dark corners of my mind and illuminated by the monitor, spread out across the ether and viewed by the masses that it would lose its strength. Like cutting off its hair or something.

I also used this place to comment, although vaguely, on some certain experiences. Not so much a journal or diary-like comment, more of a ‘this is what I’m thinkin’….. and only those closely involved would know what I was talking about.  I liked that for a while. Now I just don’t know.

I forget more often than not that there are people out in the world that actually do read my blog! No one has ever been more surprised by this than I am. I forget that what I am writing about, no matter how vague may make someone think, “Oh, he’s talking about XYZ”! I am amused by how some people think, no matter how vague, that I am writing about them. I am disappointed when the person I am writing about, seems always to miss it completely.

I suppose I could stop being vague but that opens up a whole ‘nother squishy, squiggly can of worms. Slander, defamation, liable, blah, blah, blah. Not worth it.

So,  what the hell am I writing about? Oh, yea! I was thinking that I need to stop being so open about stuff even when vague as hell about it. After all, there are people reading this. The decision is really this; do I care who sees this or not? Does it make any difference? More importantly, will I alter the way I write and what I write about because of it?  “it ” being those readers that I may or may not know are taking it in.

At the moment, I don’t care. I don’t care who reads what I think or feel. I don’t care if someone is hurt by my words because they think it is about, or to them personally. I don’t care if they miss the point even when it is pointed right at them.

I write for me. To excise my dark parts. To get them out. To continue to move forward in my program. I got lost along the way last time. And when I did, I stopped writing. I held everything inside and eventually, it came to life and began to devour me from the inside.

I’m back to fight back.