It has been at least 32 years since I just sat in a quite dark room and did nothing. Sat still and looked into the darkness. Saw the things in my head as if they were a film projected on the blackness around me.
Everywhere I look there is some image I have created in thought. Most make me sick of heart, soul and some even turn my stomach. Others create the crushing feeling I have come to be so familiar with the last few months. Others are in motion, moving pictures of what I imagine happening so far beyond my control.
The more still I become the more vivid, real the images become. I can hear the players, smell the place, feel everything as if I was there. No detail is left to chance, I create everything, a perfect depiction, almost like a memory.
A lifetime ago I would sit in the dark and try to shoo
t the flame out on a candle across the room, spinning around on an old turntable. Not very successful but, it kept me busy, in the dark for hours. I didn’t see things then. I just thought about them. I have the bb gun and candles, just no turntable.
So I sit in the dark and I wait. Wonder. Create. I have conversations with the players as if they were here. As if there would be any carrying if the talk ever did take place. That is the crush, knowing I am so all alone in this. No one is wondering where I am, what I am doing or with whom.
So I sit in the dark as I did so very long ago, just as alone, just as lonely and wanting just as much as then to not be. Way back, I didn’t know what the feeling was. No idea what I was missing, that I was, in fact, missing something. I know now.
So I sit in the dark and hope for it to become solid. Not just dark but black, completely. To be surrounded and disappear into it for good. No images, not feelings, no longing, no more hurting. No more wondering. No more loneliness. No more anything at all.
So I sit in the dark.
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The Gori Details 
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