More about the past

Well, not more really. Just going back and reviewing with embarrassment my previous views and completely fuckered up hopes for it. It being the past.

I rambled stupidly about how the past does in fact change since it is all subjective anyway, that as people grow and change and their memories modify, that the past itself is affected. I am without explanation as to why I thought such a truly ridiculous thing. It is what it is and only my flawed memory has made it any different. Those that were there for it, first hand, those around and with me seem to recall it differently. I can only assume they recall it accurately.

I also quite foolishly rejoiced and welcomed things and people from my past into my present. There was some longing and expectation that had obviously existed in me for some time. Probably only because I had such an inaccurate view of the past. I believed the mutual benefit of the connection because I wanted to believe it. Those were the mistakes 1-4, 7, 9 and 13.

There was nothing for me in it. No peace, no closure, nor forgiveness, nor understanding. It showed up and I chose to believe it was a good thing for all. A good example of how screwed up and inaccurate my view of the present can be as well.

Everyone got to purge and ask the questions and say the I’m sorry’s and do all the crap they needed to make themselves feel better about their past.

I got the chance to act like there was some hope and light and positive things left yet to happen in life. I got one more chance to get my hopes up so I could get one more reminder of just how fucking stupid that is. One more round of loosing again. One more connection that has become one way – me talking to myself again.

I happily welcomed back the past. I was honest to the best of my knowledge with it. And for that, I get to start all over getting used to it walking out and turning away. Once again, just like it did in the past. No change.

A V