Wecome back the past – update

Since this started, this sharing all my bullshit with whoever decided to read it, I have commented on the past more that once.

I went on and on about how an elusive and vague thing it is – dependent on human observation, recollection and interpretation. I went so far as to say the past could be changed – because our recollection and interpretation of it changed.

Then there was the time I gushed about the joy of people from my past, people I thought I would never hear from again, never know, turned up to say hi. I was thrilled at the prospect. What a wonderful reprieve from the mistake once made. Forever is seemed was not that long after all.

Guess what I learned today? The past does not change. I may not remember it, or have forgotten the lesson – but no one else has. I am still the same self-centered fuck I was back then. I am still known as who I was then, and obviously still am now. I as not forgiven my mistakes and shortcoming and flaws because I deserved it, earned it by becoming better, or because anyone looked back to see that maybe I was not all the much an asshole after all. I was not forgiven at all. Someone just offered it up to make their error of not being forgiving go away. So they would feel better about themselves. Not at all because they thought any different of me.

I was wrong – my past is still a jumble of screwed up decisions, half truths and whole lies. It lacked morality, order, style, substance and any form of value.

I have left ugly marks on all that have had the misfortune to encounter me. Pity those fools that thought they loved me. They made the  biggest mistakes of all.

I don’t know how to apologize any more. There is nothing I can do. I do not even know for sure what happened. It is certainly my own version, recall, interpretation.

If I ever answered you when you asked me why, not matter what I told you, change the answer to, ‘I don’t know’. Does not matter who you are or what you asked. What ever reason I gave you,  I am sure it was not correct.

AV