Peer Pressure

Let me begin with this – this post is not about peer pressure but due to it. It has been reported to me, several times now, that my dreams are not that entertaining, now matter what they are about or how you choose to interpret them. I have inexplicably found myself in a position of, for lack of a better word, demand.

Well demand is just not right. At a loss here folks. Maybe one of you educated types will step up and help me with this. What has happened: Blog started as a joke.  Blog becomes therapy for me. I begin to feel much better. (Blog and meds by the way) Because I am an exhibitionist, performer, entertainer at heart, I have made my blog know to some. It has since become known to more, others. Where we are now, I am not getting the same ‘relief, fix’ from blogging as I did. Others however have become a bit accustomed to reading my stuff anyway.

At this moment, I need to write something that I will find useful to expel yet will also be interesting, entertaining, meaningful. What I do not know anymore is if it should be ‘about me’ or ‘to help me’ as this kinda has been or – if I should just dive head first into the world of writing simply for the joy of the words and cross my fingers it is as entertaining as my breakdown’s, meltdowns, fuck-up, mishaps and of course, my dreams.

I am tempted to use the new “poll” option offered by WordPress. Then it occurred to me that so few of you that read this will even leave a comment that I am sure you will never make the effort to vote. That leaves me here – to try something new. Write about life, as it happens, as I see it, as I hear about it, as I carom through it.

My mind has a habit of wandering, going on ahead, not to the logical or inevitable conclusion but instead, on to the movie version, the thriller, high budget Hollywood scene of things. This means, that while  I am sure there will be emotional, mental, physical things that pop up (or down) to share and that I will need to expel from my inside in order to deal with better. (Always hopeful aren’t you?) Until then, it is just me. The nothing to say me that is looking for things to say.

Hmph. Sobriety is boring. Not being sober but talking about it. My only involvement with it anymore is that I am it. Clean and sober. Dull.

I resigned my membership in my church in a  fit of dismay and disillusionment. That same deep down feeling that it is all a sham because of the way the people do things. The questionable tactics, motives and actions. I forgot there for a bit that religion is a business like any other. It is suffering the effects of a faltering economy. It is run, overseen, directed by people with an agenda. To them it is an agenda of good. Sanctioned by God in fact. They believe this so much, that they act as if no matter what they do to accomplish their goal, see their vision come to life, it’s OK because they are doing it for God! I believe this is how the crusades got started.

My action / reaction was knee-jerk and probably ‘to much’ but it is done. I attend and listen for the lessons. I try to glean the important from the irrelevant. There were two comments that led me back to the faith and church.

1) You cannot hold the actions of men, the followers, against God.

2) If you say you believe in something, you should live like it is true.

I see how #1 makes sense if you are in the position of having to explain why “believers” do so, so, so many things that are so not the acts of a believer.

Number two is better. I can see how anyone could apply that to anything they believe in. Any religion, any philosophy any non-system. Just live like you believe what you say you believe in. I can also see how it is virtually impossible to do  no matter what you say you believe in! The most fervent, extremist, zealot of any belief falls short of living the life. The cool thing is, every system not only expects you to screw up, you are only human after all, they all give you a way to make up for it. Some are harder than others.  A few prayers, a bit of self denial vs martyrdom? “Excuse me, where you do put down my ice cream?”

There are times I wish I was a preacher. I would love to be able to talk to people about something I am passionate about. Then again I am not at all knowledgeable enough. A teacher of any kind would be cool. I just find it so hard to take all the extra crap involved with either.

This long babble is the beginning of a year of stream of consciousness writing, and life-reporting. Not a diary or journal, not a blog of import or value. It will be a distillation of what has happened and how I saw it.   I think it was Hegel that said we never really see things as there really are, only as we can perceive them being limited to our human senses. What you can look forward to is my limited senses mixed with my lacking vocabulary and missing completely grammar.

Next time I will talk about my odd, miss-shapen head.

Let the new year begin, let the hope of change actually bring some. Be healthy, safe, successful and happy. No matter what, be happy. You can make that choice.

This year ends well I suppose. Broke with almost no prospects of any kind. 94% short of paying my rent but still four days to work on that. A weeks left of my meds. A cheesecake in the fridge. Still a few tools in the garage. (I love it, I sell the good tools to pay my rent because I am not using them for anything – THEN – people turn up to ask for stuff. Typical) Two piece of shit project cars. Some fantastic books, learning opportunities, world travels and some peace of mind.

Have fun folks, let me know what you wanna hear about.

Peace, Ant-Knee