Welcome back the past

Back in November 07 I wrote about changing the past. How subjective the idea of events really is, was, could be, has been and all those other vague terms to project the idea that – the past, no matter how many hard facts documented at THIS TIME about, no matter how the concept of time makes it SEEM impossible that we can access it to effect or make change in/to it.

(breath)

Part of this post has been stewing for months. A lot of it has been cooking on hi for just the past week. I have yet to decide if this weeks events should be described as the flowing of cool water on a dying man in the desert or the flying open of the gates of hell in my front room.  I am sure, as time passes, it will go from one to the other and spend much time in the middle.

A bit of background: close to 20 years years ago my wife / girlfriend and I were became involved in the cooperative adoption process, as the biological parents. That is the most certain thing I can say with complete confidence. Depending on who is telling, recalling, and even in my own mind, all the circumstances other than that are subject to opinion and recollection, either real or manufactured to make other things more tolerable to the mind/heart/soul.

I can also say with 100% confidence the result was a couple raised a boy child as their own. He is a young Marine now and the best I can tell, they are happy at having had the opportunity.

Connected to this is the wife / girlfriend (I say it that way because I do not recall when we were married, date or timing in the process) Through a long series of events, critical stupidity, alcohol and drug abuse and general lack of mental or emotional health I managed to send her running through the door screaming like an ape with her ass on fire. (not literally)

In a rather strange attempt to maintain my sanity I though we could still be ‘friends’. Contact was maintained until one day (as I recall) she said, nope, it is not ok for us to be in contact with each other. It has been a very long time since that day.

I have, lightly and sporadically kept contact with the father of that boy via letters and email. However, I have not seen the child since pre walking days. (as I recall)

When he joined the Corps the wheels began to roll that he and I should meet again. A few conversations and a penciled in date but alas, it did not come to pass. However, we, the boy and I, are now in contact via email, directly with one another. We have even spoken on the phone! Curious, I do not know own child, other son, as well as this person.

His life is tied to his mother who when he is on my mind, is also on my mind. I wondered if they were talking, if she knew he was a Marine, where he was stationed etc. I wanted to ask, a million times I wanted to ask.

One morning, a few weeks ago, I find a message, a comment here actually, from his mother. Not only did she comment, she left a functional email. Of course I could not let that go unnoticed! I wrote. She wrote back. Somehow this seems important to her, like some shared forgiveness will make the past less of what it was/is. To allow some healing on a level that remains untouched. Closure? I am not big on self help buzz words but I lack the vocabulary to make it make sense.

I am not at all sure I understand or agree. If I was her, I would have run faster, sooner and farther from me than she did. No matter how tempted I might have been to know, even had I looked, seen, peeked, I would not have contacted me. To say the least, I was stunned.

So, here I am evaluating, criticizing myself with all the venom, hatred, disappointment I can muster about my lousy parenting habits, my totally fucked up ability to be in a relationship, my lack of direction and accomplishment, bad habits and a long list of stuff I am to bored with to mention right now.

In the midst of all this hi/low I get another email – from all places – via the wedding officiant web site. A woman that wants to know if I am her brother. Well, 1/2 brother – same father. It takes about two seconds for me to know that I am. And contact is made. I write, she writes back. Ball in my court as of this morning. Funny, she seemed worried about my reaction, about too much too soon. Thought calling would be too much. I laughed until I cried.

My son and my favorite ex-wife are both talking (writing) to me – why would a phone call from a sibling I have not seen in 30+ years be ‘too much’? Should have just showed up with a six pack so I could break the bad news to you, ‘Hey, you got drunks in your family!”

This blog started as a joke, a  way for my best friend to stay in my head. It has become therapy. An opening for drunks and addicts to ask questions. An open window/door for some folks that know me, without my knowing them. It has been a bane to me for those that want to know about me for other reasons. It has now proven itself to be a path, to me, for those that wanted to find something from their past, for whatever reason. I hope they are not disappointed or regretful for having done so.

The part of this that has been brewing and stewing – about the past. I was thinking of my favorite ex wife, more than once telling her I would love her forever, all time, never forget her. Well, I only have so much time so that was not a reasonable promise or threat. I think I have learned what love is, and I am pretty sure I do love her still. I have not forgotten her at all. BUT – I only recall her as she was then and with all the modifications, filtering. I was wondering one night, is the beautiful woman in the booth across from me her? How many times have we walked past each other, brushed shoulders, watched the same movie, in the same dark theater at the same time?

The Marine, he was here in my home town for several weeks, school of infantry. How many times was he in the next booth, room? In line in front of me at XYZ store? When I was bartending, I was serving cocktails to instructors of SOI – men that where training him to go fight in a war.

I cannot recall who but someone said, “History does not repeat itself. It does however rhyme”

Now, why all this is coming to pass now is my question. What do I do with/about it now?

Peace, Ant-Knee