Milestones and other hard things –

April 1st 1996 I quit smoking. I am still a non-smoker. Although I have been told a few times, when drinking too much, I took a drag or two. Still, eleven years of not smoking.

April 4th 2007, 10 months of not drinking. No, not sips or tastes when, well, not when drinking, that’s for sure. This is why I am writing at 11;16pm – to get this in on this day.

A week with milestones in it. Nice. A milestone is a rock. A big one usually that marks a distance and or direction to some place. I occurs to me now, my two milestones are not leading or directing me. Just marking time. Time well spent for the most part but really, just that. Some time from some other time that I have spent not doing something. Just not that big a deal when you say it that way.

What have I been doing you ask? So glad you did. I’ve been tuning up a bird cage, moving furniture around, playing with plants, working on my “to be finished” list, with great focus, and pondering why.

My pro and I met again and talked about just that. Doing. The phrase, Human-Doing not Human-Being. I am doing to keep from being, busy so I do not have to feel. OK, I get that. I don’t much like to experience feelings. Especially lately, when I have nothing to modify or dull them. That part of sobriety is a pain in the ass.

My spirit has been badly shaken. (Not biblical use of that word either, just, ya know, my spirit) My heart again damaged from reckless and pointless optimism. My depression is not getting better due to acknowledging and giving self affirmations. In fact, last meeting with my pro led to concern and vernal contract to not do anything damaging with out calling first. Hm.

Now, I noted this in my twitter post recently, these open to the world, cut a vein and bleed on the page posts are a problem. It seems, and I should have known, many prospective employers take the initiative to google would be interviewees to see what comes up. Holy crap! I come up – here – my mind splattered all over like a dropped melon. No wonder no one calls me back! More motivation for self employment.

I’m rambling.

I’ve lost some friends, two, because I am an asshole lately. I just can’t take the optimism. They can’t take my not taking it.

I am happy to be replacing all humans with animals – already accepted I will forever be single and alone – less friends works well in current economy too. Wish it was closer to gift buying holidays, would loose even more even faster with added money saving as motivation!

I keep accepting responsibilities to be here or do this or that and I really do not want too. I want to cut all ties and finish the list. Be completely free. I need that, soon. There is a big world out there, time to go meet it or leave it.