Not too long ago, in a fit of sleepless panic and apprehension, I commented aloud, “God, I’m glad you stuck around and kept believing in me, even when I did not believe in you”. This is not an easy thing for me to say. Not then or here. Not only was I, for a good many years, a non-believer but also and advocate for atheism. I jumped at any opportunity to debate, discuss or argue the topic.
I used to say, and mean, and too some degree still do, ‘Lay on your back on some cool, leaf covered ground. Look up to the stars or a rising sun and believe, be certain that nothing supernatural exists. Nothing created this. That is the faith it takes to be an Atheist”. Blind faith. Isn’t it all? Isn’t that the very core of faith? Believing in what you cannot prove?
Now I can, and have, used the exact same request, challenge to explain why I now do believe.
Probability started it. Luck. I am lucky. I have always been lucky. I have said that a million times and believed it every single time. I still catch myself saying it and try to correct it. I am watched out for, taken care, spared and delivered. I am blessed. The very nature or randomness and chaos are what caused me to reconsider so much. If it were all chance at least some of the time things would not work out. I would not be OK, come out OK, survive or move ahead. When ‘shit happened’ – it would stay shit! But it didn’t. It does not. Hmm.
A while back I found myself making coffee for morning people at 7-11. Not the job you dream about at a kid. Not too long into to my chat-with-the-sleepy-people career a familiar face walked in. We talked as quick as you can in such situation. It led to an interview and then a job. (quite by chance, a fluke, just one of those things) That job was at, for a church.
( lots of editing occurred here)
One of the things I experienced was that feeling that pastor Tod was talking to me. I was not sitting and listening. I was walking from here to there, fetching this or cleaning that. (my job) Yet, in my fast passes, I caught things that made me think and feel. Yea, sure, same thing can be said for Horoscopes and Fortunes from cookies. You hear what you want and see what you want to see. Make it apply to yourself. Humans are after all a bit on the self centered side. All of them. (Man, I love those authoritative gross generalizations! Say that crap like I know what I am talking about!)
One of the biggest stumbling blocks I have had/have is the logic behind forgiveness and how we are all saved. For a lot of years God took his people to task when they displeased him. Slavery, Flood, Famine, that whole language thing was pretty cool. Sent some little reminders then, whack! So, why then take on the form of a human, suffer a horrendous human death in order to remove the burden from the people that so often fall so short of doing what he asks? I don’t get it. I still don’t get it. I have learned that it does not require that I know how God thinks, why God does what he does, in order to believe it. LUCKY ME!
I struggle, am afraid of how ‘easy’ it is. I lay awake and ask, did I go too far, say to much, denounce and argue against too passionately? Does he really forgive all, to those that come and ask, whole hearted, honestly? I am by result and probably by nature as well, a cynic. I am full of doubt and questions. I believe because I have chosen to believe. Even that makes me feel like I am getting it wrong. Who am I to make a choice when it should be, I dunno, obvious and miraculous, that I should be swept off my feet, tipped over, overwhelmed with the feeling?
So, in the midst of this daily debate and doubt, I show up, I listen, I participate and feel what I can. What I allow in and what surprises me. I make myself available. Then, at the time of year when so many that usually do not, start to think about God, Jesus, the Christmas story and what it means (beyond sales and foods), I begin to panic about where I am with it all. Do I have a chance? “Hey God, it’s Ant-Knee. Are you still there”?
(massive editing here).
Time commitments caused me to miss two weeks of services. When I did make it back, the message was on the story of the prodigal son. The lesson that God is not only waiting but active and encouraging the wanderer, if he knows it, believes it or not. You can read, listen to it here, Merry Christmas from the Pig Pen.
https://scpres.ccbchurch.com/app/w_page.php?id=25&type=section.
Once again – ALL ABOUT ME! I sat, listened and felt it was important for me, to me. It was what I needed to hear at that moment. I am sure just about everyone there heard it what was about them. The prodigal horoscope / fortune had been given to us all. I mentioned it, Hey Tod, you did it again. He commented back, yea but, that one gets everyone. OK, I can see that. I said so just two sentences ago. But, he did not know about the hours of conversations with myself, with all of the Trinity (in turn and random order), the time spent staring at the stars and planets torn between the science and glory, between believing and doubting. The fear and calm that came and went and came back again. For three days, long cold and lonely days.
In the fifth grade I was moved to ask God into my life. In the sixth I had decided I wanted to be a pastor, Lutheran at that time. My family mocked me, called me “father” all the time. In the seventh grade, pastor was still on the short list along with race car driver or Navy fighter pilot. ( I like fast). I cannot recall how or when all three of those fell away. What choices I made where, to end up here.
I know now my anger at one mans actions, words, is what I based my entire disbelief on. I know my desire to find a god, a religion, a hope never went away. I just could not find any that made sense. Maybe that is why I chose not to believe too. Not so important it be proved, just make some sense. Oh well, stopped that.
It’s OK to question. It’s OK to question my doubt. It’s OK to be scared and delighted, confused and certain. I’m going to be OK (eventually) because I was lucky enough to wander home.
Merry Christmas.
Ant-Knee
The Gori Details 
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