The begining of the end

Some time ago I had the privilege of working for one of the premier connecting rod manufactures in the world. I was not smart enough at the time to realize the potential or gift of being there. Like I do so many (if not everything) I fucked it up.

I did learn somethings though. (Besides making one very good friend and some nice acquaintances) I acquired a new understanding of and appreciation for motorsports. I developed some great phone skills. I got to go racing a bit. I had too much money and wasted every cent of it.

One thing I learned was something I use to this day. It is a mechanical thing. When something breaks, comes apart, fails, there is a reason. If you know where to look, what to look for, what questions to ask, what information is relevant and what is not, you can find the reason for failure. It may be incorrect installation or it could go all the way back to the foundry and a mistake in the forging process. Just have to be patient, thorough and keep looking.

What you find is – the beginning of the end.

I did not even realize I had learned this, found the value of the lesson until after I was no longer working there. I was looking at my fucked up life and why I was not there and was able to go back and find the beginning of the end.

Recently, April 11, 2010, I got to do it again. 10:40am PST I heard the beginning of the end in the tone. The call that should have been the best news of my life was instead filled with poison. The joy I felt for one second became dread in a single breath. It was so loud I could not contain my fear – which swiftly and quickly became anger.

I knew immediately what I was hearing. The beginning of the end. My mistake was thinking it would be a long ending. At least a few weeks if not months. Huge miscalculation. It was minutes. Weeks, months, almost years of hope, planning, dreaming gone in minutes. Gone in one minute really.

I was helpless to do anything about it. All my effort up to now was pointless and meaningless. All my words wasted. All my time lost. All my hope misdirected. All my love – gone for good. Invested in someone who left it on the ground like the piece of shit I feel like now.

I want to hate the one that hurt me. Resent the betrayal. Instead, I hate myself for still loving. Resent me for still wanting.

I said I hope they experience the same pain and suffering someday. They thought it was a horrible thing to say. I suppose it was. I regret saying it now. But why? Nothing will make any difference. Not like anything will be any worse.

Why? Because I never want them to feel like this. No matter how much they hurt me, or why. Nothing is more painful than that moment, the instant you know it is over.

The beginning of the end.

A V