The difference

To Paraphrase Gloria Steinem, “I’m not depressed. I’m sad.  “When you’re depressed, nothing has any meaning. When you’re sad, everything does.” Amen to that.

I am in the midst of trying out both. I’ve come to recognize the depression cycles. Begin in late January, max out in February and taper off into March. Took me twenty years to notice the pattern.

This year I was able to have the added pleasure of sadness too. Of loss at the height of the low-end of the cycle. I had the chance to mix my chemical/psychological mess with a shattered heart.

The two combine nicely yet do not mix well at all. They compete for time, energy and focus while often mimicking each other’s symptoms. What helps reduce, make tolerable the symptom of one often only worsens the symptom of the other. The same symptom!

I am not sure how to describe it really. Let me start with breathing. Simple action requires no thought just to get the basics in. Requires great attention and practice to do correctly, healthy.

Depression takes away the desire to breathe. It does not stop me, only makes me want to stop. Depression makes breathing mentally and emotionally hard for me.

Sadness takes away the ability to breathe. It also does not stop me, only prevents me from doing it right. Sadness makes breathing physically hard for me. It hurts to take a full deep breath. My chest feels crushed all the time.

Mix physical pain with a complete lack of interest or want and the most basic becomes a chore, challenge. Almost overwhelming in the demand. Combined, the two make it worthwhile to think that to actually stop breathing would be the best option.

Now, sleeping. This one is really a treat.

Depression often makes me want to be in bed. It does not always lead to sleep as much as inactivity. I sleep about the same amount which is not much. Just cannot find the motivation to get up.

Sadness is altogether a different animal when it comes to sleep. The obsessive thinking from the heartbreak,  ridiculously potent shame and loss of self-esteem. Completely unpredictable and unmanageable mood swings. Awake or asleep, I cannot stop ruminating on the situation, what caused it, what could I have done differently? Sleep becomes completely impossible.

To treat, control, limit the effects of the depression there is a medication prescribed to be taken daily. Side effects, insomnia, restlessness, anxiety. Great. I have all of those already. Let us crank them up some. Also, makes it hard to know what is causing what. So I do not sleep. I think. The thinking makes me sadder and more depressed.

Food? Forget about it! The depression kills the appetite. Do not even feel hungry most of the time. Why bother, just like breathing, it becomes pointless.

The sadness, on the other hand, is much more active. My stomach hurts most of the time now. A dull fire and ache. Treat with food and the result is a temporary lack of pain followed by intense vomiting. Not a big fan of that.

Combine, mix the two and, I have lost over ten pounds in a month.

These are just the basics of life, breathing, eating, sleeping. Not fancy stuff like work. Getting there and being mentally, emotionally or physically able to do it. Nothing complicated like healing the causes of either the sadness or depression. The effort to even begin the process of either is crushing and overwhelming.

This is where I am at 3:56 am. No reason to tell you. Did not help me or you at all.

Going back to Gloria’s comment – now in my world, I couldn’t really care any less about anything at all. Yet, every single thing I see, hear, touch is a jarring reminder of loss. A brilliant, blinding flashing light, “Loser” and I care about everything.

Music smooths the jagged painful edges of the depression. From the sadness, every song is tainted and spoiled by the memory or desire it creates. The edge may be smooth but it is razor sharp now. It cuts deep and without mercy. And it is a lovely thought, vision.

A V