When Worlds Collide

Sitting, having been awake for several hours, still in the dark, except for the light off this screen. Sitting in the same spot most of the night and trying to write. Needing to say something, make a point, expel a demon, right a wrong.  To accept and correct.

It is usually easy to pick out the error, review how it happened, find the corrective course of action and move on.  When the right thing to do is right in front of you, just do it.  So easy.

Until the time comes that what is right, the proper, healthy, accepted, obvious choice is the exact opposite of the desire. The want and the right are as far from one another as is possible. Black/White – Right/Wrong – Healthy/Unhealthy. Easy.

Tie in some emotion, some longing for, some passion, some joy and some comfort and suddenly the lines, the / become a little less solid. Throw in some LOVE and everything becomes fluid, up for interpretation, gray area and a matter of opinion.

Terms like: not so bad, not as bad as, mostly ok, really not bad, it’s not like …… turn up when you are trying to explain why you are doing what you are doing. At the same time: so much better than, ten times more than, never before, not in my wildest dreams……, also turn up when trying to explain why you are doing what you are doing.

When everything inside has an equal desire, passion, dedication to/for/against the same thing, you have a problem. When you are convinced of both ends of the spectrum at the same time, you begin to twist in the middle, tighter and tighter until the pain is truly physical. The sick is not in the head or the heart, it is in the body as well.

The little angel and devil on the shoulders comes to mind. Those opposing voices in the head each with a strong and compelling argument. Obvious vs Not Typical. It’s not OK because X Y Z. It is OK because A B C.

The choice, desire based on emotion is the wrong one, right!? Wrong. The emotional choice supports both sides equally. Logic, reason? Damn, same thing. That leaves history, standards and norms. Just do what everyone else does, says to do. Follow the example of the masses. Hmmmm.

I have not made a decision. I have not released anything. I have reconciled nothing. In the past I have written about things to ‘get it out’. Once published, exposed, shared with someone the power of the thought was lost. No longer able to harm me or weigh me down. It is not working this time.

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