Being useless

There are times when, no matter what is occurring around you or perhaps even, too you, that you can do nothing to effect it. Seeing, feeling what feels like the world collapsing around you or someone you love and only being able to view it.

That the world had been actually falling to pieces in magnificent fashion of late just adds to my point. Haiti, Chile, Greece – the world is splitting itself apart at the seams while my tiny part is attempting to keep up.

I am also watching with complete helplessness someone come to find their goal, dream of several years fail to materialize. Not be accepted. All their effort now feels wasted and pointless. Of course I do my best to point out that just doing your best is what counts. I know it means nothing and sounds hallow to them. It would to me if the roles were reversed.

I know it is true. I know I believe it. Yet, I wonder why I can say it with such conviction to someone else yet not accept it for myself? Why is my best always so short of my expectations? How can that be? Some may say I set the bar to high. I think I simply miss reaching it.

It is confounding and maddening to watch someone deserving struggle. Someone that did do their best. I also feel so inadequate to help. I have nothing to say. My first reaction is, “get used to it!” Not very encouraging! My own bitterness, pessimism coming out.

Now I am trying to support someone while I will not support myself. Hypocrisy again or mere confusion? “Take my advice, I have no use for it”!

– OK – it has been a few days since I started to write this. Not much has changed.

I am still teaching people at work how to take better care of themselves while not doing it for myself. I am still trying to be positive and supportive to a friend while so dark and hopeless about my own situations. So odd.

So very odd.