Awareness and responsibility

Ya’ll know this blog is an exercise in release for me. A place that, for some yet defined reason, I am comfortable ‘getting it out’. It is funny to think of the limitations that make it a small space for as much as I need to get out.

I cannot simple confess my sins here. The innocent, the victims and the accomplices need not be put through that. I prefer not to either.

I bring that up because I am in this – spot – place of where do I go from here? The last two weeks have been the combination of exceedingly high highs, and devastatingly low lows.  Mingling side by side, flirting with one another like two new singles with frustration and free time.

How I get down to reconciling these meetings is my new challenge. It is time the events of my life begin to date, cohabitate, relate, make love and be committed, ’till death do us part’. I must become whole, in every way possible.

My deep concern, obsession if you will, with my past has kept me stuck there. “You cannot move forward while looking backwards”. This is not 100% true. You can but, you tend to running into a lot of shit. Really hard.

I’ve come to understand that some of why I look back so much is to see why I am this way now. Unfortunately, it doesn’t do much for improving or changing the now. Time to go from why to how. So easy. I’ve known for years and not made much headway.

The other reason for the looking back is my wish to complete a picture. My picture. One sin I am now comfortable to share is this – I don’t remember. There are not just moments, or events that are no longer accessible to me but, spans of time. Months, years of my life I know nothing about. The sin is, I have manufactured, created, made up things to fill in some of those blanks. Lies is the short word for it.

Whew. I thought that would make me feel better. I did not.

I’ve gone back, looking for the reality. I’ve asked questions of people. Some I know have caused them pain, offended and angered them. Some think it is just more of my obsession with my past. Others a pointless dredging up of things best left behind. Yet, everyone has taken the time to reply. Clearly and completely. Every answer or explanation brings me back a missing piece of myself and so far, every pieces fits.

I am pretty old to just be learning some things about myself. More accurately, to be taking responsibility for myself. Thus the title. Being aware of being all fuckered up means doing something more than just asking why and who. For me it means investing in the industrial size can of un-fuck and getting to work.

It starts with my body. The basics. I am giving up not working out daily for Lent.I really do want to live a while longer. With some comfort and pain free time.

Make some appointments to be checked out, checked up. See what shape I am in. Inadvertently fitting into this, I  had the eyes done just last week. The macular degeneration is still doing its thing but not too quickly and less in one eye than the other. I suppose walking in circles is better than just walking into stuff.

Some of you know I have been down the mental health road in the past. I turned off it for a while. Parked is more like it. Lounging in the rest stop between Dis-function Dr.  and Live Ln., avoiding traffic and the dangers of being on the road to, somewhere.

I will share the sights and sounds of the highway as they come up and pass by.

A V