The man cold

There is a phenomena in the world that had been kept secret far too long. It is time to address this and make it known to the masses. It is simple yet, misunderstood. Prevalent, yet ignored as insignificant. It is real. Very real. And it is world-wide.

It is, the man cold.

On the surface, it seems to be the same as the ‘common cold’: suffered by both genders, treated with the basics of tea, vitamin C, chicken soup, fluids and rest. In as little as eight hours, results can be seen, felt and often, in less than twenty-four hours, one feels  much better having employed these methods. Such is the ‘common cold’. This is why it is common. It is easy to deal with and only sets out a minimum of discomfort and inconvenience.

The common cold is the only cold that women get. Women are just engineered to suffer better than men. They can have a six-ounce tea, a single vitamin C tab, sit and think about resting for ten minutes and be about 75% better.  It is rather amazing actually. Must come from the ability to survive child-birth and the having to be paired with males.

So – there is the woman of the house, sniff, sneeze, cough – and – moving on. Men can get the common cold as well, and, with only wee bit more treatment, be on their way as well.

Then there are the times he catches, the man cold. Sure, symptomatically it seems the same as the common cold. But alas my friends, the man cold is far more treacherous and threatening. It is universal among married or cohabiting men. Almost never seen in single men. That would just be too cruel.

When a man has the man cold, that little tickle or scratch in the throat from the common cold is more a strangulation and choking on broken glass feel. The sniffling and sneezing is escalated to flat out underwater-creature-like snorkeling, with sneezes coming in rounds of six to ten with force enough to rip the skin off a green banana at four paces.

The man cold comes not with a head ache but, with sinus pressures that threaten to dislodge teeth and pop eyeballs from their orbits. Not aches and pains but full muscular retaliation as if the structure itself has become confused and every attempt to move is a torturous event of limbs flailing in no recognizable fashion.

Oh sure, people can die from diarrhea but, with the man cold, no such luck. You see, this is only part of the man cold because men read the vitamin C bottle and think that if one works for regular daily use, then obviously four or six are needed to fight off a cold.  This intentional over-dose of C of course does not work and the result is a man that has to move to the bathroom with a body in complete denial of his mastery of it. He wishes he might die but – no such luck. He suffers loudly and often.

The other thing about the man cold is that it cannot be treated, cured with just the things that will work on the common cold. More specific and exact things are needed. The first is public TV. Not the programing PBS, KOCE or whatever it is in your neighbor hood. I mean that the TV must be in the most public, common use space in the house. Preferably with a sofa most members of the domicile like to sit on. This is where the man will lay, watching TV and moaning. He tends to be more quite when alone. Occasionally little outbursts of misery are heard. Not an actual call for help but, a suggestion that if someone wanted to come and help, they certainly could.

It does not matter if he has a bigger HD badass home theater system in his bedroom. To get better, a man will give up at least six inches of screen, HD and watch reruns of season 1 NCIS. He NEEDS to be out there. Why??

Because, the other thing he needs to recover is attention. Not this meaningless light banter, “How are you feeling?”. I mean – he needs attention. Soup, snacks, back rubs, warm and cold towels, drinks, snacks, foot rubs, stories, snacks and… stuff. He needs, attention. This is critical. Sure he could lay in bed all alone in a quite room with the big TV and pay-per view, but in no time flat the whole room would start to feel like a sarcophagus! In his mind, he is already on deaths door mat – stop ringing the bell by sequestering him!

Being locked up and alone, ignored is just that many more nails in the coffin. The man cold needs a woman’s attention, the family’s sympathy and more than anything, the recognition that, “Hey,  that man is SICK!” Really and honestly sick – not in some common cold kinda sick – but one foot in, one foot slipping kinda sick.

I know you ladies are skeptical. I know this because I have had the man cold and listened to a few of your kind talking to others of your kind – mocking the misery I was in. I have heard the same story from other men after their near death experiences too.

Its real though. It is as real as every damn thing that makes your butt look big, no matter what we say.

I’m going back to bed.

A V