Opossum(s)

Ya know how to tell one opossum from another? Me either. Ya know why? ’cause they all look the same! If you find this smacks or racism or bigotry against opossum kind all I can say is, you my friend are so far to the left you are sneaking up on the right from behind. Put your PCness where your thumb most certainly is more often than not.

This is not however about perceived or real discrimination against really big rodents. It is in fact a tale of tolerance, acceptance and understanding of our, mankind’s encroachment upon the wild life left in an overly crowded space.

My new digs come complete with wild life. Not just the two domestic cats but also, raccoons, opossum, skunks and yes, drunks and punks. The latter are spreading like a plague. I fear there is no peaceful place present to perch my self and enjoy only the sounds of the natural world.  But, I digress. Happens when I am tired.

One of the joys of this joint is the tell-tale sound of something other than a resident feline eating said felines food. You can tell by the quick crunching. A completely different sound than that of a prissy spoiled arrogant cat eating.  This sound is made by opossum or skunk. Raccoon on the other hand announce themselves by loudly tossing around the water bowls. Seems they prefer to wash their ‘hands’ and food. With complete disregard for the white tile floor I might add.

So, while on the sofa watching whatever has been added to the DVR (a very nice tool by the way) and the unmistakable rapid chatter of cat food being consumed by non-cat leads to two things. Noisily heading in to the kitchen so the animal in question has the opportunity to run back out the door it came in from. This door is open for the cats. Their food is 10 to 12 inches inside this door.  Second, get some of the low-end, low-cost pet food purchase solely for the purpose of feeding said scavengers and put it in the bowl, outside, provided just for them.

Now – if you are the serious animal lover that lives here, you have done your homework and know that opossum also like banana and yogurt. You know that these things are good for them. So, you take some of those things, kept on hand for human consumption but unsparingly shared, and place in the outdoor bowl too.

This works. The rodents stay out and eat their food. It helps too that you close the screen door behind you and let the cats just deal with being outside.

Of late we have been surprised at how often and how much eating ‘our opossum’ has been coming ’round. Last night, the answer presented itself, in triplicate!

My roommate had left for an evening out. I headed off to shower, going to kitchen first to put a cup in the sink.  As I entered the opossum was standing near the empty cat food bowls. Not a big deal, used to it now. What happened next was new to me.

‘Our opossum’ turned, ran its head into the glass door, turned a bit more and ran right past the open door, through the kitchen, right into the laundry room. Crap! OK, this is easy. Just wander towards it and it will run away as it always does. As I do this I realize it will have to run past me to get out. Something it is not likely to do.

Strategy time. Go down the hall, through a bedroom that has a door to the laundry room. Open this door, spook and shew the little guy back towards the open door without being in front of it. Easy!

As I round the corner to head down the hall to and through the bedroom I encounter a surprise. Another opossum! I am at first stunned at how fast they moved and how it opened the door. Finally settling on the notion that this was in fact, a second opossum! A second one the was spooked by my sudden appearance and darted into the bathroom. Crap.

Strategy time.  Pull the bathroom door closed to contain #2. Continue on mission to eradicate #1. As I go into the bedroom I spook one of the resident felines. It jumps off of and scampers under the bed.  I open the door slowly to look for #1 and asses things. Freaked out kitty cat takes this opportunity to run crazy fast out the open door and just about right into #1.

Kitty bolts to the right and out the open door I was hoping to see giant, extra thick rat like tail going through. Instead, I see it disappear between the washer and the wall. CRAP!

Strategy time. Go back to take care of #2 and let #1 settle down.  This goes much better. Aside from messing up the bathroom floor rugs location a bit, this one heads out the door, thankfully makes the right and not the left and quickly follows the cats lead out onto the patio.

I take am moment and ponder the audacity of these guys. If the cat food bowls are empty, they just go searching around the rest of the house?!?!  Also laughed a bit that it had not occurred to me there might be more than one opossum. Silly me.

I took my shower hoping #1 would take that time to get out too. Assuming the best, I head over to check things out, wrapped only in a towel. The first thing I see as I turn the corner into the kitchen is a little opossums ass and scary big tail heading out the door. This is a very good sign. Full of confidence that the wild kingdom moment has past, I head into the laundry room and flip on the light. Nothing down this side. Nothing down that side. Better look over the top and behind, just in case. Holy CRAP!

There, behind the dryer is #1 AND huddle with it is, what I must assume is #3! What the hell is going on here?

Strategy time! Well, right about now my roommate comes home. First thing I need to do is get into something more than the towel. This is going to take some effort.

I poke at them a bit with the broom handle and make zero progress. For small creatures on a linoleum floor, the are a pretty well stuck down! We decide to let them chill and just make and enjoy dinner. Leave the door in the laundry room open for them to just wander out while we ignore them. Even put their bowl over there to entice them.  Didn’t help. #2 however enjoyed the banana.

Dinner finished and the thinking that we cannot leave the doors open all night comes into play. Well, just gonna have to get physical it seems. And here we go!

I move the appliances to one side to they have a big exit lane. I tap them on the ass with the broom handle to motivate them in that direction. Seemed like a good plan. Too bad they were not in on it. Instead of the big ‘get out of here’ lane, they run over each other to get tightly crammed into the corner where there is no way out.

I move the appliances to the other side, recreating anther way out. I tap with handle. They run to the other side, again. Repeat this two more times. Obviously, this is not working. Time to step it up. My own version of shock and awe coming up!

I find something to divide the space by half. Even if they run the wrong way again – only have to move one appliance! Forget the handle end, time to just sweep these guys out the door!

As I said before, how these guys managed to glue themselves in place is beyond me. #1 or #3 (I can’t tell them apart still) makes it all the way out and into the laundry room. I get in a lucky broom block him like an NHL goalie as he tires to retreat. With an open door only two feet away, he runs right past it and begins to try and climb up the front of the washing machine. Come on!

No longer caring about the risk, from pure frustration, I grab the little bastard by the tail, pick him up and just put him outdoors! One down. One to go. Or #3 or whichever one is still back there. I can’t tell.

This one required one more appliance move and some really stout brooming. Once out it took the high road! That is to say, it went out the way it came it, through the kitchen and past the still empty cat food bowls and into the night.

Before you go on about how feeding them is bad and why there come around, I already know that. And I dont care. I like the gentle giant rats about 10X more that most humans. I was more amused than anything else.  Especially at the effort they made to thwart my efforts to remove them.

This is their world, habitat too. We both need to co-habitat and adapt.

I am sure there will be low-end cat food, yogurt and banana set out no matter what.  I am sure there will be other occasions of wild-damn-kingdom-in-the-kithcen in the future too. And, I will still not be able to tell the little bastards apart!

A V