Sit down, this is going to take a while, a long while. Ramblin’ to commence…..NOW!
I am not Catholic. There are many and a specific judgmental few that wonder if I am even Christian. Well, there is a lot of that going around. Take a number, beat up on me later. Someone has gotten in the cue before you. Why do I bring up religion? Lent. Fat-Tuesday. Mardi Gras. What I know about this it this, ya give something up for 40 days. OK, sure, there is the whole preparation of self for Easter, the resurrection, the salvation promised being fulfilled by the Crucifixion. Yea, there are much better, more theologically sound, educated explanations than that. But, to general the masses, Lent is giving ‘something’ up for 40 days. In the good old days I often gave up drinking. That usually did not last past the first Friday after Fat Tuesday. If Mardi Gras was fun, it did not last past Wednesday morning. Pork? Swearing? Sex? Nice try – no go. I even failed at giving up sobriety. 40 days of keeping my BAC over the legal limit. Although that was the longest. most successful attempt it was still, a failure.
Now what? Do not drink, smoke, use. Sex is to easy. Hard to give up something you do not have/get. The only thing left, Ice Cream. If you come here at all you know how important Rocky Road is to me. I even capitalize it whenever I refer to it. How exactly not eating ice cream is going to help prepare me to receive salvation, I have no idea. I just don’t know what else there is to quit. Kinda feels like cheating. Good for me after all to stop eating so much. Moving On.
I wonder if doing counts in the place of not doing? Like, I give up being a lazy bastard for 40 days. Exercise every day instead of not. What about, writing? Yea, I know, I was supposed to post everyday the month of Oct. Didn’t even get two a week. Why? Because I am a lazy bastard with crap for motivation. Which leads me to Evil Thoughts.
Have you ever had one of those thoughts, stray ideas, visions, a contemplation, a scene you played through in your noggin, that once it was complete, kinda made you say, “Holy Shit! I can’t believe I just thought that!”? The kind that make you look around in pure terror that someone, anyone, can hear you think. Big sigh of relief when you are sure you did not say it out loud. That’s what I want to write about. Every day.
These are the “I’m going to hell for that” thoughts that are even called that by non-believers. Creepy, scary, slimy, shady, naughty thoughts. Usually fun, make you smile for a second, until you say “AH! OUT OF MY HEAD EVIL THOUGHT” Personally I tend to just laugh and wish I has someone I could tell. Low and behold, I do.
This came to me at a stop light today. I was at a corner where some kid got himself killed on a motorcycle, riding over his head. This particular corner is either privately owned or the city has an issue. A small shrine pops up, with candles, plants, flowers, card and nic-nac stuff. It builds up for while then, boom, one day all gone but for one bunch or bouquet of flowers are left.
Today, I was at the light and looking at the new offerings when it crossed my mind, “Those flowers would look great on my coffee table, and they look really fresh still” That should have been enough for me to go “ew” but no! It was not until I looked behind me to see if anyone was around that I said, “Fuck me, you will go to hell for that!” I left the flowers, reluctantly and with mad rationalization going on. Hey, someone is going to come throw all this away in a week anyway, right? RIGHT?
I know I have these little evil thoughts every single day. Depending on what I am doing, or where I am at or just what the day is like, I might have a dozen go to hell thoughts in a day. So – my plan is to tell you about them, every single day of Lent. Open, honest, complete- every morning for forty mornings, this is the unfiltered evil thought(s) I had yesterday. Most people would not want anyone to know the dark, inappropriate stuff that happens in their head. I just do not care. It is my sick, perverted, distorted, rationalizing mind; to be enjoyed or be ashamed or offended by.
This in turn led me to the idea of doing a mini-movie, documentary of it. (Oscar night after all – what a bi-sexual day – garage and car time followed up by Academy Awards.) Every morning for 40 days, sit in front of the video cam and tell it all the ‘wrong stuff’ I thought of the day before. That gives me one big long wonderful day, Monday of course, to get it together, and do it.
What does this have to do with or how does it lead to Stand Up? It does not. I just thought I would mention I still want to try it.
That is all – see you Wednesday, the first day of Lent.
Ant-Knee
The Gori Details 
Leave a comment