Decision making –

There are good ideas, great ideas, profound ideas and pure genius. Moments of clarity that effect the course of history, the very existence of mankind.

Then there is the way I do shit. Lets jump on this or that track and see how far the momentum catapults me in some direction I did not even know existed until I am flying a flailing my way towards it at a breakneck speed. A jellyfish is mostly at the mercy of the tides on where it ends up. I however am not. I make the choices, I choose the tide, jet stream, cliff, road, direction that I go in. Why do I make such fucked up decisions then?

I have always said that the only talent all men have that is not learned, probably the only ‘instinct’ the male version of the human animal has is, the ability to rationalize absolutely anything! I mean, anything a man wants to do, buy, taste, drink, screw, kill, hang from the ceiling or make a hood ornament out of, he will find a way to verbally and clearing rationalize it.

(deleted 6 embarrassing examples – think about it and you will know I am right)

I especially need to not be thinking or making unassisted decisions when I am not medicated. Once again, the inability to afford visits has left me without a note and there for no medication. Might I suggest you not stop your antidepressants cold turkey? I may take 1-2 weeks to feel the full effect of the them but it does not take too many days to feel the lack of effect of them. At least at the moment I am able to recognize that the ‘feelings and thoughts’ are based on a whacked chemical balance in my brain. I ‘know’ that so I can deal with it. I wonder if it will stay that way? Will the knowledge, memory of what normal feels like, is, remain there the further I get from it? Will the feelings, thoughts become real, worthy or attention and action as they were before?

If life is good, create a problem I always say. With this motto firmly in hand, I went out and created FOUR! Two I purchased, one I invited and one turned up on its own but I figure, with history as a measuring stick, I brought it on.

I now have two to many cars that do not work. Not enough money to make them work and not enough space to keep while they do not work. I have one (actually two) too many massage tables because I rationalized the usefulness of a second bedroom while living alone. I have four too many pets, one too many crock pots, one too many TV’s DVD players, three too many musical instruments and just all together TOO many plants.

What I don’t have is enough income, income potential, income ideas or income motivation. I am directionless and according to some, lacking drive.

My affections are all wasted on those that cannot or will not return them. My motives are probably totally fucked up even though at the moment I cannot even see that I have any motives.

Well – there ya go. I meaningless jumble of words to no logical end and of no value. Just had not written in a while.

HA! I love this though – election day is also my sobriety date. So many good reasons to go back to drinking on that day! I wonder what date, which month, which day, is most common sobriety date?

Ant-knee