Suicide – The Comedy

I borrowed that title from a film I was background in many many years ago. It, the title, came rushing back into my head last night in a flurry of phone calls, door knocks and emails. I am still, ten hours later, laughing. I may hurt a feeling or two here but will try not too. It is not intentional but possibly inevitable.

For regular readers (irregular as well) you know that there have been thoughts, talks, looks at and ideas of suicide here. On the spoons site I entered a debate on the appropriateness of such. My dark season has led to some interesting things. Spiritual / religious professionals, mental health professionals, pharmaceutical professionals and just some regular folks willing to hang out and share some insight.

My dark is still very dark. It is just not so much in charge as it has been. That being said, lemme make you laugh too.

Yesterday, the 100th anniversary of Mother’s Day, I was perusing a web site that had a question of the day spot. The question was, “Do you think there is an unforgivable sin?” Well, yea, I do. Regardless of the obvious contradiction, I would have to say, and DID say, suicide.  What I did not know was how this answer would be transmitted to the sites author.

I have no idea if this person reads my blog or not. I assume not since the last one was pretty clear about my current mind frame not being something to worry about. At least not with self inflicted harm. His response to my message was swift and deliberate. He got on the phone. He emailed me back. I did not response because I was watching a movie. I do not know how long all this was taking to happen but some time around 9pm (if you were part of this, I am just guessing, didn’t look at clock) there was a knock on my door.

Pause movie, answer door. My landlord and member of my church.

Him “Anthony, are you alright?”

Me “Huh? Well, yea. I’m fine. Just watching a movie.”

Him “Are you sure?”

Me “Yes, I’m pretty sure. What’s up?”

Him “Someone (I know but have not asked to use name) called, worried about you and wanted me to check on you.”

Me “Oh. Well. I’m fine. Thanks for checking.”

I just figured someone had read my blog, and reacted to something they saw there. Missed the therapy and medication posts and just thought I would be winding up an extension cord to hang from. Let it go and turned movie back on. A sub-titled film, interruptions are worse with sub titles.

Not two minutes later, phone call. Now, my phone does not ring at this time of night. I looked. One of my favorite people, friend, mentor, example and all around good egg. Seems she was also contacted by someone looking for my contact info. Being a good friend she did not, without my permission, give out, but called me herself.

Her “Are you OK?”

Me “OK, what’s going on? Two times in two minutes – who’s string got pulled?”

Her “Well, ……………

While she was telling me who called who and who was worried and who else was called and worried, I found the email reply to the email, suicide. The sites author received my answer. Only my answer. He sees an email from me that says nothing but, suicide. No indication that it was an answer to his question and not an indication that I was going too or thinking about same. He tries to reach me to check. No reply. He tries to reach other people to reach me. Thus the suicide comedy ball begins to roll. Up onto my porch, onto my phone, into my email it rolled and bounced around until this morning. It is still here but sitting more still.

I appreciate the concern. I am flattered at the quick response by so many people. I even enjoyed the attention and conversations. Even though I was watching a movie with sub-titles.

The thing I did think about before falling asleep was, why now? Not too very long ago I detailed my to do list and why. I talked about the method infesting my thoughts and calm, peaceful acceptance of the thought process. I talked about my resistance and non understanding of medicating the self medicating. So, why now? Why not then? Just wondering. I know why I didn’t do it. It’s not the reason you might think either.

Well then, here we are. If I was the kind that got embarrassed I might be this morning. To think that people would think I would kill myself. Oh yea, I am that kind. I told you all so. Good thing I am not the kind to get embarrassed eh?

I have added a few new names to my phone list. Prolly my Christmas card list too. I can’t wait for my next therapy session. This will crack her up I am sure. I feel the need to swing by church and show my face to someone too. Just to close all this completely. The idea to change that web site, to include the question with the answers, is already on the drawing board. What a silly mis-communication. I want to find a one word description of the resulting activity. I believe that will take some time. I am afraid my feelings of humor will give way to some others before too long.

Maybe this was reminder to me or was it for everyone else that was involved? Did it mean anything at all or just a moment of levity? I dunno. Just funny. I hope the rest of you that got the calls find the humor too. Part of me wants to apologize to you. When I am sure why, I will. Until then, just laugh.

Peace, Ant-Knee (intact with same length neck)