My soul.

Where is my soul? What is my soul? How did it become attached to food and music? Why do so many have so many views and descriptions for it?

Here’s the deal. This is a turbulent time in my life. (News? I think not.) On suggestion I have been reading, along with a few other fantastic suggestions, Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross. Lots of info on such in Wikipedia so I will not bore you with my lazy and off kilter description. I will tell you that I find it enlightening. Scary, difficult and confusing. My intention is to give you all a book report on it later. Stay tuned.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_Night_of_the_Soul

For now I have to say just a few things. First, it is considered a blessing to enter into a dark night to have yourself, soul, person, spirit, whatever you call it, broken down, stripped bare of preconceived notions, laid open to receive, be humbled, CHANGED forever. Well, from here I gotta tell you, I am having some trouble using the word blessing!

When I get dark, I get good and black. I spent ten days obsessing on Romans 6:5. “If we’ve become united with him in a death like his”. There are many other wordings of this, all of which in their way still brought me to the same place. Not that in dying will I also be able to someday be resurrected but, that I needed to die the same way. Go figure.

This in turn led to a quite a bit of time spent on the thought of hanging. Suicide by Crucifixion being mostly impossible this seemed the next best option. Crazy huh? Yea, I think so too. I did at the time as well but, that did nothing for keeping the thoughts at bay or out of my head. It was oddly motivating as well as unsettling. It has (not sure why I call it ‘it’) led to many things. New mental health professionals, medication, exercise (a little anyway) and more reading. (medication update pending – can’t tell yet)

I expressed this in a few previous posts. It helped. I am into it here again not so much for me as I am to fill in a couple of you that are asking but not letting anyone else know you are. So, in a blanket statement to all – I am black, blue, bad and bruised. I am hurting still inside my head, heart and apparently my soul. It’s a season. It’s a BLESSING. It’s a giant pain in the ass.

My demise, should it occur, will not be of my hand or intention.

Learning, living. Not too good at either but still I try. Still not sure how to pray and definitely do not know how to listen for answers. Day to day, just trying to stay healthy as my body goes south. School is great but to no clear or useful end. Just something to do, learn. Winston, Falstaff, Zeus and Spike are all fine. Little bastards all.

There, you are updated. Not what I started out to do, just where I ended. I will pick up the where I wanted to be with the later I suppose. That is, if I find it again.

Peace, Ant-Knee

PS – does anyone know how to make links, clickable links in here?