The bright side?

OK, some freaking optimist once said, every dark cloud has a silver lining, or some treacle sweet crap like that. Maybe it was a show tune or early version motivational poster. Not matter, the bright part of any dark cloud is most likely the lightning coming at you and by some ‘good’ fortune you are able to be terrified just a bit longer than if you had just got fried unexpected.

In case you are not on the same page yet, I am not happy these past few weeks and today is not only not different it is even more the same than usual. Not possible to be more that same you say? Well, I got news for you, my words, my mood, it’s OK here. Moving on.

All that being said, I have found that there is a convenient connection between OCD, ADD and suicidal thinking. The OCD part is not about to leave anything unfinished (even though lack of motivation and accomplishment are key to the self destructive thinking). The ADD or possibly just pure manic portion of the creature will not only attempt to do two or more things at once, not needing sleep allows for a great deal of progress. The suicidal thinking is the no loose ends, tidy things up part.

Now, I am not sure about normal depressed folks and if they feel like paying everyone back and leaving a clean house. Maybe thats the mix part of my afflictions. There is not much to make sense of wanting to leave a clean and tidy place, zeros on the books. Then again, not much to make sense of wanting to not be alive either. So, senselessly cleaning, organizing, categorizing, filling, paying, balancing, finishing and finalizing things. A perceived time limit seems to be extremely motivating. Much more so than just a to do list that you know you can put in bottom of bird cage and ignore. The whole ‘life will go on’ option is just too forgiving.

It is amusing that exercise is supposed to help with depression. If I had any motivation too exersize I think I would prolly not be depressed in the first place! What do I know, people with educations come up with this stuff, not people like me. I did, since being told I was sad, walk twice. Well, walked just for the sake of walking, like exercise. Been doing a lot of walking for other reasons, like to get from here to there or back. It helped some for the time I was doing it, although really preoccupied with what I was not finishing up and why finishing it meant so much to me. Maybe I need to learn how to use my IPod – walking tunes.

What else? OH – when you see something ‘finished’ or come back, repaired, rejuvenated, like new or just finally in it’s place – there is a very satisfying moment, a center out sigh, an mental pat on the back. 18 plants are better, 4 will live after someone else gave up. Spike and Zeus have a new looking cage and play area. Winston and FallStaff have personal mix of food and fine white ceramic bowls to eat it from. The garage is organized and ready for something to be made.

It amuses me to find such pleasure in things that I am only doing in and with such sadness and hopelessness. I must ask someone who knows what this means. How does an impending ending lend itself to so much beginning? There are times I really hate my brain.

Peace –

Ant-Knee