I gotta note!

OK, it’s official. I am depressed. Well shoot. Maybe not anymore. Hard to tell the difference at this point. This may take some ‘splainin’. Comfy? OK – long ramble of for no apparent reason. I may actually touch on that too. Anyone’s guess at this stage

The last several weeks I’ve been in a near constant state of “sneeze” and it sucks out loud! Even Costco didn’t have a big enough package of tissue. In a naive attempt to outwit, outsmart, outdo nature – as in my bodies inability to tolerate a whole long list of shit (that I still take, eat, touch, inhale, rub on, rub in, rub over, lather up and rinse off) – loaded my pez dispenser with generic Kroger brand pink pills and sallied forth. I sallied right up until I snoozed. Side effects and all that. (At least this pill does not come with the gastro-intestinal side effects). Not enough just made me slower to react to sneezes and sniffles. Enough to stop those and I felt as if my eye balls where six inches in front of my head and the rest of my body was wrapped in wet gauze. Kinda gooey, sluggish and heave. Western meds – wheeee!

As if this was not depressing enough, there was school, a fantastic class with very nice people and instructor. Along with a lot of memorization. Something I am usually extremely good at. Easier when sitting down to read does not lead to near instant sleep. The long and short of this (yes, I am trying to edit and condense to keep you from intense boredom. details are not really important. Ask if you feel you need to know) after 8 weeks of really trying to learn, I passed the written final with 2.5 points to spare. Pitiful.

My efforts to find employment within the industry which I am studying led nowhere some more. My ‘friends’ no showed on my 2/3rds of the time. This was not for money. This was for practice and a class requirement.

My efforts to get to know someone, 100% failure. Maybe more than that. Since it is not a real statistic nor measurable by any means but how it made me feel, 263% failure yet again. “Hello wall, it’s me, head. Yup I’m back. What’s that? No, it does not seem to get old does it? Learn? Learn what? Yes, I read about Sisyphus the last three times you suggested it. It’s only stupid to those that don’t know the possibilities!. Oh, sorry to waste your time, let me begin the banging. 1,2,3….”

I found out how disappointing a friend I am to not just one but two people.

I looked around and counted 57 projects that are all somewhere near 80% complete. (% sign is exciting me this morning. Much overuse to come) Some far less, some 99.2% Yet, I have managed to just not find the time, energy, point or focus to complete. That got me thinking. Always a bad thing. Not as bad a talking to the dented wall but still, not great. % of exaggeration, 57, pretty hi.

All this led me to take some funds from other areas and seek my mental health professionals time. Funny the places I can spend money.

Now, these sessions have always been good for me. Some much better than others. Some down right suck but those are also the best ones. No time to explain that. It is what it is. So, we talked, and this comes up —

Common symptoms of depression

1. Depressed or irritable mood most of the day—nearly every day
2. Loss of interest or pleasure in activities (such as hobbies, work, sex, or being with friends) most of the day—nearly every day
3. A sudden change in weight (weight loss without dieting, gaining more than 5% of body weight in 1 month), or a change in appetite
4. Inability to sleep or sleeping too much, nearly every day
5. Agitation or restlessness (observed by others) nearly every day
6. Constant fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
7. Frequent feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt nearly every day
8. Difficulty concentrating or making decisions nearly every day
9. Frequent thoughts of death or suicide (or a suicide attempt or plan

Well now, with some redefining how I describe things (you may have noted this is hard for me) my pro and I came to conclusion I am diagnosably depressed. The good news, you don’t have to answer them all yes to pass. Much like my final. Enough on the positive side and, ‘here ya go, your depressed, your note that says so’.

Now here is the really fucked part. Since, I had been told, and had heard and had agreed that yes, I am depressed since I am having many of those symptoms (not 100% yet, much like my other test) and since I had agreed and said so out loud, I get to leave the office and not be depressed anymore. I get to give myself affirmations, reassurances and all that positive thinking crap. I finally have something to explain (or help too) why the last several weeks have been such a disaster, I have a PROFESSIONAL OPINION on it, and I have to leave it behind and just go (come?) back out here and be over it.

I want to pin this note on my shirt, walk around and tell everyone to kiss my ass. Your disappointment? What about mine?

So – direction and goals as result of this news – get off the OTC meds as they are (as I know and everyone else as well) not doing much to clear the head/heart/soul. Exercise, meditate, eat right.  This is all great stuff. I LOVE THIS STUFF. I loved it at 6:15 this morning in bed. Again at 6:40, 7:10, 7;23, 8:01. I loved it laying on my massage table looking at the TV/DVD and thinking about turning it on, great Tai Chi disc in there. I loved it pouring my 4th cup of coffee to take the edge of my second pink pill.  I suppose I will love as well in the shower and for the rest of the day.

I managed to write this and avoid accomplishing anything other than feeding the wild birds, Winston, Falstaff and Spike and snubbing a phone pirate. Time for oats.

I forget where this was going. I guess I am just glad to know that there may be a brighter day. It will be lonely there though. I have no energy left to live up to anyone elses expectations any more. I can not live up to my own.  Just because I know, does not really change the feeling. Hopeless, that one is tough.  They all are. Said it before, one you say it out loud, shout is out, it takes the power away, removes from the dark corners of this fucked up head and makes it all just stuff. So easy to say.

Burned the oats.  Happy first day of Spring 2008.