9 months

Hm. So this is 9 months. Not such a big deal. I’ve had a long week with lots of doubt, speculation, some confusion and anger. I have spent time wondering about why and where I am in “the process” – “the program”. Easy answer, not much of anywhere in program. Just reading the book and the daily reflections. When necessary, I jump on here and purge. I wanted to go to a meeting this morning, tell everyone, ‘Look at me, nine months!” but stayed in bed. Sneezing too much.

It’s funny, Sunday I was thinking that since there was the extra day, that leap year thing, I actually had my nine months on the third. Laughed about it, pondered it much longer than reasonable. Went back to calender date. Just easier.

A few days I back I went off on why we can’t just twelve step without an addiction. Still trying to refine that thought. Probably never flesh it all the way out as that is what degrees in mental health are all about. Not for some knucklehead to work out while being sleepless.

By the way – on hold with freaking Bank-of-giant-pain-in-my-ass-America for close to one hour at this point. If this post takes on a negative, may I say, psychotically angry tone, that is the reason.

OK, Sunday I was at the finish line of the LA Marathon doing massage. Sports Class requirement. I must say, chances of my being up at and ready to go anywhere at 5 am on a Sunday where slim a year ago. Waking up sober sure helped. (Although I was anti-histamine stoned for a while that morning.)

Up until that point, I had been having some pretty serious doubt about where I was going with body work. I am more settled with it now. It is what it is and will just take time. I suppose it may become a hobby, not a profession. At this time, I just don’t know. Keep on learning and doing and just see what comes along. Also, more school, options being looked at. Life coaching – sounds funny since I am feeling such a mess all the time. How can I help anyone else eh? Studying it I hope to learn it too.

AGHAGHAGH! At this moment, I would rather slam my testicles in a sliding door than be dealing with BofA! 1 hr 53 min and the only living person I reached, transferred me to a busy line! (loud animalistic, angry, primal scream like sound goes here)

I like not drinking. I like calling it, saying sober yet, I am the one that pointed out that the two are not the same. I am working on the parts I said make them different, just not through AA at this time. Church, school, spiritual and physical health searches and efforts. All part of ‘getting better’. It’s a process isn’t it? Always room to improve, right up to that last breath.

Meeting my therapist in the morning, finally, after much too long a break. See what we come up with. Make a plan. I’m big on plans, direction. Some call it goal setting. I just don’t like using all the modern, current buzz word terms for anything. It’s a plan.

OK – before I throw the phone at/into/threw the wall I must go. Breath, in and out, deep.

In closing (picture me at podium in nice clothes, not sweats with anger twisted face) – Nine Months! Right on. Feel good. No big challenges (bank excluded). Fears and doubts diminished greatly with opportunity to massage a bunch of marathon runners. Amazing what can be done. It’s easy being me really. I like to make it hard. Have to ask why tomorrow morning.

I am working on long bit about the marathon. Will turn up here soon.

(someone edit this for me! sheesh, but I ramble)

Ant-Knee