Struggling with addiction?

Bullshit. I am not struggling with it at all. I just quit. Just like I quit smoking 10 plus years ago. Just like I quite cocaine 20 plus/plus years ago. Do in need the mantle of “alcoholic” to be or stay sober? Do I need “The Program” to stay sober? Sadly, only time will tell.

Right now I can say, no problem and no struggle.**To which every dedicated AA member will do back flip, scream out the address of a meeting and throw a big book at me. “Alcohol is a subtle foe” OK, I get that. Am I being naive and tricked into thinking I can handle it? That I am ‘fixed’? Once again, only time will tell. (**goes here)

A while ago I went on about the difference between dry and sober. I feel the comments are still valid. I think I could benefit greatly from doing 12 steps. All I need is a sponsor that is not a hypocrite and liar like my last one. Why isn’t there a 12 step program for assholes? No addiction, just a general overall piece of shit person that needs to ‘get better’?

Step one: ” I admit that I am powerless over genetics AND experience” (which has made me a useless and miserable fuck! Too much?)

Step two – twelve, same as every other 12 step program.

I love the people that are telling me how well I am doing or how worried they are about me while they are holding ‘an adult beverage’. The ones that are telling me I cannot be sober and a bartender. Sit down, shut up, have some peanuts. Come back next year. Yea, I will probably be mired in the cesspool still but I will have clear and wonderful memories of it all because I will still be sober. (**goes here)

Do you believe in destiny or God’s will? Do you believe you choose a path or a path has been chosen? Hope is not a plan of action. It is a fucking waste of time and energy if not accompanied by action. “In a storm, pray for safety but keep rowing for the shore.” I am currently more open to this than, “Ask and ye shall receive.” Not feeling that one so much.

Too everyone that wants to know, “Have you prayed on it?” Yes. Have I got an answer? None that I can decipher. Is there evil at work in my life (more than just me being me) – who knows. I don’t. I don’t even know if there is good at work in my life at this very moment.

I know that the birds are hungry and the rats are messy and the dishes need to be washed. I know I am hungry and the coffee is really good this morning. I know that no matter what I do next, to someone, somewhere it will be wrong.

Counting days but discounting program? Surely I will go to hell for that. Pissed off that I do not get the answer or the process? Surely I will go to hell for that. Not doing the poodle-through-hoop move you expected when you give me your good news? Surely I will go to hell and loose friends over that too.

Anyone want to buy a massage table or chair? Have a really nice un-opened bible too.

Peace or Piece or (obscenity laden rant deleted) – whatever.

Ant-Knee

PS – March 4, Nine months. Yes, I CAN look ahead.