Manic ramblings –

Just a bunch of stuff all tossed together. Brain Salad.

Waking up in the dark. I love that. Being outside to witness the world coming to life. The crazy beautiful colors of the sky this morning, pinks and reds and white against the blue. The same amazing sight reflected on the blue/green of the water.  How the quite slowly goes away, the solitude chased away by birds, dogs, cars and people.  So many people – so many not noticing the art of nature that they are a part of. Living brush strokes on the canvas. The whole thing, Humbling. Only word I can come up with.

New math. OK, in AA milestones are a big deal. 30, 60 , 90 days are all big deals. Then, months, then years. Me, the jacked up anal-retentive messed up my math. I counted ‘months’ as thirty day blocks of time. Seemed to make sense since the first three are counted that way. Then I remembered about those pesky thirty-one day months.  I didn’t ask but I am guessing, you count months on the numerical day of the the month equal to the day you call your sobriety date. Woke up this morning early enough to get to a meeting to share about my seven months today. Sat quietly instead. January 4th. That’s seven on the Gregorian calender. Today, that was just a run up to it. Seven consecutive thirty day blocks.  (Is that the right calender?)

Feedings birds. They are getting fat. So fat in fact, the quickly fashioned second feeder I made from left over stuff, broken. The bottom, where the food is and on which the birds stand on the edge, fell off. On the ground, next to a little mound of bird food. That’s where I found it. Oh well. Birds have eaten off of the ground a very long time. Someday in February I will have and make time to make two nice new bird feeders. ‘Till then, they rough it or fight over the one still functioning feeder.

I am SO HUNGRY!

Bartended all day and it was just fine. I am still in a great debate with myself over the logic of my being in a bar and if there is any real reason I should be worried. I am more than a little disillusioned by some of the things (read = some peoples actions) in program. You can take the alcohol out of the alcoholic but …   I know better than to trust people. I keep doing it though. Very odd.

Hello and Goodbye.  I am having some difficulty with this play. A particularly rough patch in my own life and this guy, Johnny,  is a mess. I think  possibly my fears and apprehensions right now are making it very difficult to let him have his. I am trying so hard to keep even, level and not to panic that it is squashing the times I need to be those things for him, to make him real. I am guessing too this is why I am struggling with memorization on this one. Not typically hard for me.  So, today I study. I focus and I compartmentalize. This show is going to be great. It may (it is?) tear me up somewhat but, that is OK too. Tearing down often precedes  rebuilding. If this role, the show, this guy are all part of my rebuild, so be it. The restlessness, the crying, the agitation, I have to let mine out, so Johnny  can have his. Only four more weeks. I can put me back together after that.

I am still HUNGRY!

Peace and great wishes, Godspeed to your new year.

Ant-Knee