Something missing

Lacking something –           

 The difference between a writing, good writing, and great writing is what is lost in meaning. Or maybe it is what is lacking. I don’t know, I am not a great writer or reader.

 In the movie Mask, the boy teaches a blind girl about color through touch. He hands her something hot and tells her, ‘This is red.” Something cold, “This is blue.” Something light and fluffy, “This is white.”

 Perfect. If only I could hand you something along with my words so you would know what I mean, what I am really trying to get at.

 As an actor, I know well the impact of a look. How much can be said, conveyed, made clear with the smallest gesture. The tilt of your head, raised or furrowed brow, a pause, no matter how short can change three words from loving to angry, from pleasure to frustration. I have learned this from years of practice and study. (Or maybe I got into it because I am a narcissistic, histrionic, passive-aggressive and acting is the only place I can be comfortable)

 If you could see me you would notice my awkward posture, the tense lines of my clenched jaw, the shaking foot, heavy breathing. If you could see me you would know that I am struggling. That I am, at this moment hate to be in my own skin and my own head. I need to move, to show, to touch, to BE, to make you understand me. My words fall so short. There are so many interpretations of each one that I know. A vocabulary would be handy. I set mine aside someplace and forgot to pick it up again.

 I have so much I need to say! I NEED to say. Yet it all comes out wrong, pointless, useless. You don’t get it because I have not made it clear. I cannot make you feel hot, cold or light.

 Go stub your toe and read this again. Put that in these words. Bite your tongue ‘till it bleeds as I have these past few minutes. Then read this again. Let the ocean press you to the bottom and when you feel you will never see the light again when you are sure your lungs will burst. think of these words.

 Or just forget it. I haven’t said anything to you after all.

 Peace – Ant-Knee